I procrastinate.

Not because I’m lazy. Because a part of me is tired.

There’s a part of me that wants to build. To create videos. To teach. To share.

And there’s a part of me that wants the couch. Video games. Reels. TikTok. Nothing.

For a long time, I judged that part. I called it weakness. Lost time. Lost potential.

But I think I finally understand it.

That “lazy” part is a kid.

A kid that didn’t get to be a kid. A kid that had to grow up early. A kid that carried too much. A kid that felt responsible for changing the whole story.

So procrastination became a gift. A stolen break. A protest.

A way to say: “I don’t want to be strong today.” “I don’t want to care today.” “I’m tired of being the one who holds everything.”

And under that… There was rage.

Rage at my parents. Rage at the situation. Rage at life for demanding greatness from a child.

And sometimes that rage turned inward.

Not rest. Sabotage.

A sick kind of “love” that says: “Let’s ruin it.” “Let’s delay it.” “Let’s prove you can’t.”

But that’s not love.

Love is not letting yourself rot in dopamine. Love is not scrolling until you feel empty. Love is not hiding from your own power.

Self-love is self-discipline.

Not punishment. Protection.

It’s choosing the hard thing. Because the hard thing is the honest thing. Because it builds the life you actually want.

I still hear that kid in me.

I see you. I hear you. I respect your anger.

You deserved softness. You deserved play. You deserved to not care sometimes.

So I’ll give you that. But on purpose.

I’ll plan pauses. I’ll rest without guilt. I’ll enjoy the journey more.

But I won’t self-sabotage.

I won’t burn the future I’m building just to prove the past was unfair.

I’m not a hero. I’m not immune to failure. I’ll fail. A lot.

But failing is part of the reps. Failing is proof I’m in the arena. Failing hurts. And still… I grow.

So this is my deal with myself:

We rest on purpose. We play on purpose. We build on purpose.

Because building is not suffering. Building is who I am.

And I’m proud of you. I’m proud of me. I love you.

Now let’s do the work.